I struggle with my long distanced relationship. I don't really talk about it, but I do think about it a lot.

I look at other couples who occasionally takes each other for granted and my secret response is that I envy them.

I read facebook posts about how couples miss each other even though they are just a few minutes or hours away from each other and my secret response is that I envy them.

I hear my friends talk about how they "don't have a life" and "only get to see [my] boyfriend on the weekends" and my secret response is that I envy them.


I recently went to surprise Bill for his birthday and made me realize how sad I am about our distance. My Bill is such an amazing man. Whatever I want, he'll do what he can to make it happen for me. His love for me grows each day. My understanding of his love expands with each new hour I spend in conversation and prayer with him. He is my lover and I am his. He protects me and I respect him. I'm just sad that I can't be with him yet. I'll only get to see him once or twice before our wedding.

However, I am strengthened by my Father's love. He comforts me in my loneliness and encourages me in my times of darkness. He guides me in my lonely hour and keeps me and safeguards me in the palms of His hands. My Father loves me and reminds me to be patient for His timing. Even though I struggle with my long distanced love, I have faith in my God who tells me that His time is coming. My secret response is that I submit. His will is greater and much better than mine.




"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7 NIV

A lot has changed over the course of 2 weeks.

• Browsed job posts
• Wrote a cover letter
• Faxed my resume
• Landed a job interview
• Miserable wait
• Followed-up
• Landed job in Sacramento
• Packed up
• Stayed with family friend
• Found roommate
• Moved into new roommate's house
• Started working
• Feeling like a loner
• Homesick

If you know me, I guess I'm known to be a tough cookie. I am driven by passion and can be impulsive (at times). And if you know me, I'm a daddy's girl. My Papa and I get along so well.

With all of these changes happening, I didn't give myself the time to grieve the identity I once had nor did I give myself the time to absorb the new identity I now have. I stuffed everything in because I didn't have time for that-- I WAS MOVING AND STARTING A NEW JOB!!! So, I left it alone.

Bill has been keeping me company every night because he knows how scared I am-- even though I don't tell him or anyone that I'm scared of this new change in my life. He is the BEST!!! Even when I don't say anything, he already knows what I'm feeling. He knows that I can't sleep alone... because I've always slept with my sisters. He knows that I can't go a day without talking to someone... because I've always been around my family. He knows that it's hard for me to go shopping by myself... because someone was always there to go shopping with me. He is such a treasure and I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with such a great man to love.

Anyways, Bill also knew one thing. Of all the people in my life, Bill knew that my Papa wasn't the person I missed the most. Bill already knew that I missed my mommy. Funny, my mom and I don't really have that great of a relationship because we are too "alike". But I missed my mom.

On my 3rd day of work, I almost couldn't make it. I've been working with enough clients to identify when an individual was deeply depressed... and on my 3rd day of work, I was DEFINITELY depressed.  I got teary eyed just driving to work. I cried when I spoke with God about my day. I was constantly thinking about my family and Bill, about my obligation to the state of California, my career, wedding. I would have episodes of wanting to cry and then holding it together because I was at work and my co-social worker might see and call me out on it. I really wanted to say "screw it" because I'm going home. But I didn't. I went to Ranch99 to buy groceries and couldn't help but get teary eyed. Of course, I sucked it in because I was at a grocery store. On my drive home, I got teary eyed. When I was cooking, I got teary eyed. And then... I cried... when my roommate's mom came to turn on the fan while I was cooking-- even though I wasn't cooking at all!!!

And that was when I asked myself-- CAN I REALLY DO THIS?!?!

When Bill called, I gave up. Couldn't do it. Of course, I wasn't "okay". I wanted to quit. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be a student again. I wanted to move out. I didn't feel welcomed. I just wanted to go away and not have to worry about ANYTHING!!!

But Bill reminded me that God knows me better than anyone. He knows how strong I am and how stubborn I can get. He knows that I am driven by ambition and that I can do all things through Him. He takes me on adventures and reminds me of His strength and my weaknesses. God knows and He wants me to grow... away from my comfort zone. Jesus was among the crowds, but even He had to go up to the mountains to be alone with God. In my seclusion, God wants me to learn to trust in His good plans.

After that meltdown, I finally accepted it. Amidst all of these depressive feelings, I had forgotten about the great adventure I am currently on and how God is always with me.

Don't get me wrong-- I am still sad about my situation because I'm away from my family; I feel like my roommates don't really care about me and just want my rent money; nobody talks to me and I have very few friends in Sac; and I live off of my laptop instead of going out. It's a sad situation, but I am encouraged.

Vajtswv is so good to me. God provides a place... even for the small sparrows. I am of such greater worth than sparrows. How can God forget about me?! Of course, he will provide for my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

I took time to slow down and closed my eyes. This moment... this time right now... was created by God. It is perfect. It is good. It is my time.

I love and miss everyone so much... but in my seclusion away from my closest friends and family members, I will grow and I will not disappoint my Heavenly Father.

And yes, I will continue to document my "Loner Life in Sac" because I have nothing else to. Besides, this will help me validate and explore my feelings. :)


<3 Niam Bill Vaj

Dear People in America,

I am an aspiring social worker waiting to praise you for all that you have done to contribute to our country, founded on freedom, independence, and prosperity. Yes, we are somewhat passionate and somewhat ignorant about issues that are plaguing third-world countries who are less fortunate than us and our privileged life. However, I am very disturbed, deeply frustrated, disgusted and just really pissed off that you-- People of America-- are so contributing the crimes plaguing all of us here in the U.S.

Recently, I have been stumbling across appalling information about Human Trafficking and the Sex Slave Trade in this country. And again, I am very disturbed, deeply frustrated, disgusted, and just really pissed off that you-- People of America-- are doing little to nothing in preventing this from occurring here at home. Here we are, trying to prevent the sex trade in third world countries and yet, we completely ignore that fact that it is occurring here in the United States.

Thanks to all of the perverted "Johns" out there who can't withhold themselves thinking with their other head, women-- even children-- are being lured, kidnapped, abused, raped, and killed because of the high demands for underground sex. Have we ever stopped to think about WHY sex is becoming so violent?! People of America-- just think!!! Is there is a possibility that sex is becoming so violent because of people's desire to be in control, have power over women, and completely dominate as to put women in their "places", damn it?!?!

Again, I am very disturbed, deeply frustrated, disgusted, ad just really pissed off that you-- People of America-- would have such a high demand for sex... and not just sex, but VIOLENT SEX!!!

Call me a feminist or whatever you want to call me. It is what it is. I may be passionate about this issue... but who wouldn't?!

Although we don't want to bring light to this issue-- because you might be the ONE who goes to these brothel or whore houses to get your "daily fix" and then some-- I have not lost hope in you. I believe you can change-- WE can change!!! However, we can't do this alone. My hope is that you will be able to work together and free these women and children from their prison sentence in these brothels. Just imagine that the women or little girl you found in the brothel was your daughter, sister, cousin, best friend?! Please, release them from the chains that bound them to this disgusting crime.

To all of the JOHNS-- you need to stop it, you pigs!!!

*sighs*

Please help.



Sincerely,

A Pissed Off Social Worker